


Ray of Light

by johnllauren



Series: prompts from tumblr [1]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post Resurrection, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnllauren/pseuds/johnllauren
Summary: “I hate him.I hate him!” He cries, and his voice breaks on the second sentence.That’s when Jesus’ facade cracks.Simon moves to touch his shoulder, but Jesus moves out of the way, turning to face Simon.“I feel like I’m never gonna be happy again! And every day it just gets worse, and worse,” Jesus pauses to draw in a shaky, choked breath, “I can’t miss him anymore! I can’t!I don’t want to.”





	Ray of Light

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for suicide, and this whole thing is just pretty angsty. 
> 
> for [ this anon on tumblr. the audio is from ](http://lafayettesass.tumblr.com/post/177855782799/hey-you-know-that-audio-that-goes-i-feel-like-im)[ the saddest scene in degrassi.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcPLMMr_CjU)

Jesus never used to like being alone, really. That’s why he’d chosen the twelve and Mary to follow him everywhere for years. He was always in their company, talking and laughing like he wasn’t the son of God. He hated being alone. 

Before. 

Now he is secretive, and far too quiet, too solemn. He doesn’t talk with them at meals, he doesn’t _eat_ anymore (he says he no longer has to, now he has risen), he doesn’t sleep in the tent he used to occupy, instead opting to leave their ragtag camp to sit in the nearby garden, staring at nothing. 

It bothers them. 

(He was fine after he had risen. He came to Mary and the eleven apostles, notable exception of Thomas, that Sunday two weeks ago, and he was all smiles and embraces, until he had asked for Judas. Until John had to break the news to him. Until his eyes had gone glassy and his smile gave way to a permanent expression of pain. It hasn’t gotten better.) 

It’s somewhere around three o’clock in the morning. Simon was woken up, once again, by the awful noises coming from Philip and Bartholomew’s tent, and the only way to get away from them is to take a _long walk._ He sighs and gets up, heading as far away as he can go, when he sees Jesus’ silhouette leaning against a tree. 

“Jesus?” Simon asks softly. 

Jesus’ head rests on his knee, a hand knotted in his ridiculously long brown hair. He looks up when he hears his name, brushing hair out of his face. 

“Simon? What are you doing up?” His voice doesn’t have the conviction it once did. 

_He’s supposed to be the Messiah_ , Simon thinks, but he says nothing. He walks over to Jesus and sits down besides him, adjusting himself so he isn’t sitting directly on a root. 

“You’re also awake.” 

“I don’t need to sleep.” Jesus responds. Right. His new-and-improved glorified body.

Simon nods, doing his best not to sigh. “I couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d keep you company.” 

Jesus looks away, and Simon bets he’s rolling his eyes. “You don’t have to do that. I’m perfectly fine being alone.” 

“Jesus-” 

“Simon, go back to sleep. You’re human and you need it.” 

Simon scoffs. “Jesus, you can’t push us all away.” 

“It’s late. Go to bed.” 

“ _Jesus!_ ” Simon barks, and that finally gets Jesus’ attention. He jumps, and looks back at Simon, almost like he’s just been attacked.

When Jesus just blinks at Simon, saying nothing, Simon continues. 

“Stop shutting us all out like this! You can’t use your fancy new body as some kind of _excuse_ to ignore us! You were dead for three fucking days, Jesus, and how you’re acting now is worse than that radio silence! I know that - I know you miss him, okay, and we all miss him! _We all fucking miss him,_ oka -” 

Jesus interrupts him. 

“I hate him. _I hate him!_ ” He cries, and his voice breaks on the second sentence. 

That’s when Jesus’ facade cracks. 

Simon moves to touch his shoulder, but Jesus moves out of the way, turning to face Simon. 

“I feel like I’m never gonna be happy again! And every day it just gets worse, and worse,” Jesus pauses to draw in a shaky, choked breath, “I can’t miss him anymore! I can’t! _I don’t want to._ ”

He finally breaks, letting out a sob. Simon reaches forward, and Jesus falls into his arms, wrapping his arms around Simon, grasping at the fabric of his shirt like it’s going to tether him to the earth. Simon holds him, supporting most of Jesus’ weight as Jesus sobs against him. 

Jesus lets himself cry, lets himself sob and hiccup and gasp for air, and none of the noises he makes sound like they belong to a god but he doesn’t _care._ Simon stays with him, rubs his back, lets him cry. 

“He never even said goodbye.” Jesus says, eventually. 

“I know,” Simon says - he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“It’s my fault.” He mumbles. 

Simon runs a hand through Jesus’ hair. “It’s not your fault.” 

“It _is_ ,” Jesus replies miserably. “I knew from the beginning he would betray me and I let us fall in love anyway, and it was too much for him, the guilt-” he doesn’t finish whatever he was going to say. 

“Jesus, what’s been set in motion was never your fault.” 

Jesus hiccups. “You’re not going to convince me. I know what my father and I have decided.” 

Simon nods. “Okay. What can I do, right now, to help you?” 

He lets out a breath. “Just - just stay here, and let me hate myself.” 

Jesus buries his head in Simon’s neck, and Simon doesn’t respond, he just lets the Messiah sob against him.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr as lafayettesass and give me more angsty prompts so i can procrastinate my chem homework. also comments and kudos are appreciated :^


End file.
